Let's Be Friends! The Challenges of Making - and Keeping - Friends as an Adult
Adult life can be hard, exhausting, confusing and, at times, absurdly hilarious. Good thing we have all our close friends to share in our experiences, support us through tough times, and remind each other on a shockingly regular basis that we are, in fact, the “grown ups” now!
“Best friend isn’t a person, Danny - it’s a tier!”
But wait, what’s that you say? You weren’t prepared for how weird and sometimes difficult it can be even maintaining those strong friendships into adulthood, once life suddenly gets in the way?
You’re not alone, my friend.
It’s one of the most common revelations I hear people lament - adult friendships. Making them. Keeping them. Prioritizing them. Wistfully longing that you could go back to simpler times when at least half of your friend group was part of your weekly, if not daily, routine. Because once you’re out of school, you and your friends’ daily routines change. You work for different companies, in different industries. Some of you dive head-first into family life while others focus on their careers, or let their keen sense of wanderlust drive their lives. You move to different places and begin new life chapters
Or maybe you’re the one who moves - to a new city, where you don’t have an established friend group. And now you don’t have the convenience of school to bring like-minded and like-life-staged (that’s a word, right?) folks into your orbit.
Whatever the situation is, we all realize at some time or another that making friends as an adult is harder than it is when you’re younger, and that maintaining deep friendships takes time and energy - just like any meaningful relationship.
But just because it gets trickier does not mean it can’t be done. Here are just a few ideas for navigating some of these challenges and reaching that #friendshipgoals status:
The challenge: Long distance.
You and your friend suddenly find yourself in a long-distance relationship, spanning multiple time zones.
Making it work:
This one is all about just making the effort - and modern technology has made it a lot easier to do so. From social media to video chats, it’s much easier to feel like you’re still at least somewhat connected. So you can’t talk all day every day anymore, that’s okay. Figure out what works for your schedules and make it happen. Maybe it’s weekly phone dates or daily texts, or maybe it’s a simple “thinking of you!” message whenever they pop into your head. Maybe it’s sending them a virtual “mix tape” playlist on Spotify.
Plan trips to see each other in person - both to visit each other where you are, but also to new places where you can build new memories. The key is to work with the established dynamic of your relationship. If you’re not “phone people,” don’t try to force it. Remember that not talking every day does not mean you don’t love or prioritize each other. Find the ways that work for you.
The challenge: Making new friends.
Maybe you’re in a new city, or maybe a bunch of your friends just moved away. Or maybe, you’re someone who never had a huge crew and you’re just looking to meet new and interesting people. Whatever the reason, striking up a new friendship once you’re out of your mid-twenties can feel awkward and daunting.
Making it work:
While there’s no getting around that discomfort of putting yourself out there, there are absolutely ways to make it easier - and social media is a huge helper! Apps like Bumble BFF and MeetUp are a great place to start, because they connect you with people who are in the same boat as you. And it’s way less awkward to say, “Hey, want to be friends?” when you know the person joined the group just like you did. MeetUps are especially great for finding people with common interests — whether it’s a workout group, trivia nights, or pretty much anything else you could imagine!
But also, don’t be afraid to channel your inner Brene Brown and let yourself be vulnerable. I’ve made a couple solid friendships just by chatting with people at bars and saying, “I hope this isn’t too weird but, would you want to hang out sometime?” It’s almost always met with a “Yes! But I didn’t know how to ask!”
The challenge: Stupidly busy schedules.
Work, family, travel - life is busy, yo. And if you’ve ever tried to coordinate a trip, or even a group video chat, with more than two or three friends, you know it can feel nearly impossible to find times that work for everyone.
I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “Tonight’s No Good. How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s Not See Each Other for Eight Months and It Doesn’t Matter at All.”
John Mulaney, Kid Gorgeous - seriously, go watch it!
Making it work:
The key here is remembering that we’re all in the same boat and having patience when it feels like your friends are “too busy” to see you when you are free. If they’re your friends, they love you and want to spend time with you, but it’s not always easy to balance everything else going on in their life. Always be upfront and honest about your availability - if you know you have a busy week and hanging out on your day off will make you feel like crap, don’t agree to hang out on your day off. It’s better to be honest than to become the friend who always bails.
You can also try to get creative and find small ways to connect when your schedules just aren’t aligning. Send memes that make you think of them via Instagram. Schedule quick chats or off-beat activities.
Or, at the end of the day, make plans really far in advance. Pick a night four weeks from now to have dinner. Or block out a week six months away when you’re going to finally take that trip you’ve been dreaming about together. Then they will be what you have to plan around.
Just remember: we’re all weird and awkward and figuring out this whole “being adults” thing. You’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong. Now go forth, and find your equally awkward tribe!