A love letter to therapy
Therapy is hard. And it’s messy. And it takes time. But for me, it has been so, so helpful.
In its most basic form, therapy can help us put words to our feelings — something that seems simple, but is so challenging for many people. I honestly believe everyone should go to a therapist *at some point* in their lives. Preferably in childhood. Do I think everyone will love it? Not really. Do I think everyone will have some life-altering, breakthrough “AH HA!” moment? Of course not. But, imagine what the world would be like if we learned, at an early age, how to properly identify and discuss our emotions? Not even in a woo-woo touchy-feely way! But just, “I’m feeling frustrated because of X and that makes me feel Y.” Or, “This action makes me feel like X because of Y.”
Seems pretty idyllic to me.
But, no, it’s not for everyone. And it’s not for every situation. And I sure as hell know it’s a luxury (even though it really shouldn’t be).
I’ve been to therapy several times in my life. My dad brought my sister and I to talk with someone when he and my mom divorced, just to make sure we were processing everything. I reached out to an on-campus counselor during college when I was feeling overwhelmed by my workload and starting to panic. I saw a great therapist when I was going through a difficult breakup, and then again when my mom passed. I found someone else for exposure therapy for my long-fought needle/medical phobia. And now, I’m seeing someone to conquer my phobia issues again, as well as diving into some other pent-up childhood stuff I’m still carrying around.
For me, it’s helpful to have someone to talk about things with without having to feel like, “Oh, they don’t want to hear about this.” To not feel like I’m burdening them with my issues. It’s helpful to talk about things with someone who isn’t connected with any other people in your life – a neutral party. It’s helpful to talk to someone who won’t just let you vent and go off the rails, but who will help you find constructive solutions and practical coping mechanisms that work for you. I’ve found connections between things I’ve seen as unrelated issues, only to discover they stem from the same root cause. I’ve been validated about things I’ve carried around my entire life, which has a way bigger impact than you would expect. Just being told, “You’re right, that’s really hard.”
Whether you’re going through a life transition, dealing with issues from childhood, or contending with everyday stress that’s pulling you down, it’s helpful to have someone who can offer a fresh perspective on how you think about and approach things, and to probe just one level deeper to ask, why do you feel that way?
I am very vocal about therapy, because I think it’s one tiny thing I can do to help normalize and destigmatize it. It’s not shameful to seek out help, and the more we talk about it, the easier it becomes to find the resources available to us.
I’ve had several friends, at different times in my life, simply ask me “How did you find your therapist?” It can be a super overwhelming task, even when you have done it before, but especially when you’re new to the game. So, here are some tips and resources to help you get started, if you’re ever thinking this is something you may want to try:
Probably the most intuitive starting point: Google it. However, I recommend this only as a very early starting point or if you’re looking for something very specific (otherwise, the results can be massively overwhelming). The way I found my first phobia counselor? I googled “phobia therapy in Chicago.”
Psychology Today
If you’re looking for more general help, or need to address more widespread issues like anxiety or depression, check out the search engine from Psychology Today. They let you search therapists in your area, filter based on specialty, gender, even whether they accept your type of insurance, and then give you a snapshot profile (including photo) of counselors who meet your criteria. I have used this to find two separate therapists, including the one I’m seeing now and absolutely love.
Referrals
Do you have a friend who sees a therapist? Reach out to them - see if they will introduce you to their therapist or ask for recommendations on how they got connected. I’ve asked therapists for referrals for my friends before and they usually come back with a list of resources to help get started.
Or, talk to your GP about it. Your doctor may even be able to refer you to someone in-network for your insurance, but at the very least they can point you in the right direction for what you need.
Consultations
Don’t feel like reaching out means you’re signing a 2 year contract. Email or call a therapist you’re interested in connecting with. Ask if they’ll talk on the phone for a quick consult to see if you’re a good match. And again, if it doesn’t feel right, they can probably provide you with a referral based on your conversation.
If at first you don’t connect…
The relationship you have with your therapist is crucial. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, it’s going to be a lot harder to make progress. If you meet with someone for a few weeks and just don’t feel like it clicked, it’s 100% okay to try and find someone new.
Remember, there is no single right or wrong way to approach finding a therapist. They are people too, who understand that this is stressful (and expensive) and they want to help you find what you need. Don’t be afraid to call, ask questions, and be honest about what you’re looking for. You just might find it.